...Same as the Old Boss

"TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE TOLD ABOUT YOUR SEMEN SAMPLE!!!!," an accented voice bellows as the door to the office where my wife and I sit bursts open.

Our new doctor sits down at the table opposite us and places all of our records in between.   He has the analysis of my sample on top of the stack of papers.  We'll call him Dr. Bean McScreamy.

There are a couple of immediate differences between Dr. K and Dr. McScreamy.   The first thing we notice is his manner.   If Dr. K was a sunny day for a picnic in the park, Dr. McScreamy feels like Hurricane Katrina.

"Well," I begin to stammer, "I have a diminished number of motile sperm?"

"Zero," Dr. McScreamy says.   You have zero.   This makes things very difficult, if not impossible."

He starts to scrawl numbers on a piece of scratch paper.   He is writing levels of various hormones that are ideal for sperminess in men.   He then writes the levels that my blood samples show next to them for comparison.   And the weird part: all my numbers are within the brackets he gives. Hmmm...

But, at any rate, my sperm numbers are still alarmingly, strangely low. Low enough where Dr. McScreamy feels like he should keep us aware of what might hinder the IVF process.   I find it odd that Dr. K looked at these same numbers and gave us a 70 to 80 percent chance of success, but also a little reassuring.

We get thrown for a loop when he asks us to consider donor sperm. "It's just an option I want to put out there.   When I see numbers like these...," he trails off. "I just want to open that door and let you think about it."   We don't really need to think about it.   Not that it's a bad thing, but I think we both feel a definite negative on the topic.   After coming all this way, the last thing on our minds is the idea of using donated sperm.

"Well, I think we need to do a few more blood screens on you," he says, indicating me.  Great.  More needles.

"I would also like to get multiple samples frozen to see if we can find more motile sperm."   Wait-multiple?   He continues: "I'd like for you to go to this facility in the morning and make a deposit.   Then go downstairs.   Have a cup of coffee.   Go back up and make another deposit.   Then go to the mall and wander around a bit. Go back again and make another deposit."

I must've been looking at him like he was crazy because he tries to explain this by saying, "Just remember your college days, ok?"

Now, I'm not sure what he's heard about my college days, but it seems my reputation is highly exaggerated.  I must look like a stud to this guy.

Hey!   I can hear you laughing!

Anyway, he gives us all the information on the blood work and deposit facility.  He wants to do a sonogram on my wife which comes back great.  He also schedules an ultrasound for her as well, to get a complete picture of what he's working with.

Here's the second major difference between our two doctors.   McScreamy's office makes Dr. K's look like a set from the Flintstones.   Don't get me wrong. Dr. K had all the equipment he needed.   His labs and office were great and there was nothing wrong with it.   They fit his personality.   Older decor, older tools, tried and true and good as new.

McScreamy, however, has essentially tricked out his office.   The waiting area is fancy, there are widescreen HD monitors in the exam rooms, and music piped everywhere.

One office is quaint and comfortable and the other is a technological fertility Narnia.

By the time it's all over, we leave heavier than when we came in. We both thought the appointment was going to be a conversation, a glance over the medical information, and then an in-depth discussion of getting the IVF party started.   Dr. K was at that point and ready to go pending 15 grand.   Dr. McScreamy wants more tests and samples.   More data.   Which really is a good thing, just not what we wanted to hear.

So we get the ball rolling again.   And there's a definite bright side if you ask me: at least I didn't get sodomized again.

...Same as the Old Boss

"TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE TOLD ABOUT YOUR SEMEN SAMPLE!!!!," an accented voice bellows as the door to the office where my wife and Isit bursts open.

Our new doctor sits down at the table opposite us and places all of our records in between.   He has the analysis of my sample on top of the stack of papers.  We'll call him Dr. Bean McScreamy.

There are a couple of immediate differences between Dr. K and Dr.McScreamy.   The first thing we notice is his manner.   If Dr. K was a sunny day for a picnic in the park, Dr. McScreamy feels like Hurricane Katrina.

"Well," I begin to stammer, "I have a diminished number of motile sperm?"

"Zero," Dr. McScreamy says.   You have zero.   This makes things very difficult, if not impossible."

He starts to scrawl numbers on a piece of scratch paper.   He is writing levels of various hormones that are ideal for sperminess in men.   He then writes the levels that my blood samples show next to them for comparison.   And the weird part: all my numbers are within the brackets he gives. Hmmm...

But, at any rate, my sperm numbers are still alarmingly, strangely low. Low enough where Dr. McScreamy feels like he should keep us aware of what might hinder the IVF process.   I find it odd that Dr. K looked at these same numbers and gave us a 70 to 80 percent chance of success, but also a little reassuring.

We get thrown for a loop when he asks us to consider donor sperm. "It's just an option I want to put out there.   When I see numbers like these...," he trails off. "I just want to open that door and let you think about it."   We don't really need to think about it.   Not that it's a bad thing, but I think we both feel a definite negative on the topic.   After coming all this way, the last thing on our minds is the idea of using donated sperm.

"Well, I think we need to do a few more blood screens on you," he says, indicating me.  Great.  More needles.

"I would also like to get multiple samples frozen to see if we can find more motile sperm."   Wait-multiple?   He continues: "I'd like for you to go to this facility in the morning and make a deposit.   Then go downstairs.   Have a cup of coffee.   Go back up and make another deposit.   Then go to the mall and wander around a bit. Go back again and make another deposit."

I must've been looking at him like he was crazy because he tries to explain this by saying, "Just remember your college days, ok?"

Now, I'm not sure what he's heard about my college days, but it seems my reputation is highly exaggerated.  I must look like a stud to this guy.

Hey!   I can hear you laughing!

Anyway, he gives us all the information on the blood work and deposit facility.  He wants to do a sonogram on my wife which comes back great.  He also schedules an ultrasound for her as well, to get a complete picture of what he's working with.

Here's the second major difference between our two doctors.   McScreamy'soffice makes Dr. K's look like a set from the Flintstones.   Don't get me wrong. Dr. K had all the equipment he needed.   His labs and office were great and there was nothing wrong with it.   They fit his personality.   Older decor, older tools, tried and true and good as new.

McScreamy, however, has essentially tricked out his office.   The waiting area is fancy, there are widescreen HD monitors in the exam rooms, and music piped everywhere.

One office is quaint and comfortable and the other is a technological fertilityNarnia.

By the time it's all over, we leave heavier than when we came in. We both thought the appointment was going to be a conversation, a glance over the medical information, and then an in-depth discussion of getting the IVFparty started.   Dr. K was at that point and ready to go pending 15 grand.   Dr.McScreamy wants more tests and samples.   More data.   Which really is a good thing, just not what we wanted to hear.

So we get the ball rolling again.   And there's a definite bright side if you ask me: at least I didn't get sodomized again.